the condom got lost in my hair
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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