I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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