There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I use my feet as sexual weapons
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
