Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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