Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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