worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
