1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
