i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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