he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You need a sexual gate keeper
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
