I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
