Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
