I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
