My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
