Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
