First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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