Ketchup is God's man juice
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
