best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i dont even know how to be here
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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