There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
