I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
