Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
