Kiss
Puke
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if only i could text you this smell
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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