One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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