i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
