Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
