i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
