Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
