filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
These tits shall not be calmed
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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