I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
