Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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