Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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