I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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