The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
