My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
