he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
