did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
