Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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