U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
