My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
