Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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