You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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