i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
