I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
there is puke in my bra ... again
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