so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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