I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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