just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
