the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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