he wants to bone in the snuggie
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Vodka?
Forever.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
