I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
