On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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