SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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