I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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