i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
